Inner Power

My Power, My strength

In my household's tradition, power is mainly gifted and owned by men only. In every aspect men have the power. I was raise by a mother that is very dependent on my father. I've always said that the day my dad leaves her or this earth, she wouldn't know how to over come that separation. My parents met very young, and my dad never allowed my mother to work because he considered that only men should work, my mother doesn't even know how to drive. But it's weird, because both, mom and dad raised my sister and I to be independent, and we both drive, have jobs, and are even in school. Growing up in this type of environment gives you either the strength of be independent, or gives you the choice of becoming pregnant, not working and leave all kinds of power and authority to your male spouse. I decided to overcome that cycle though. When I first  found a job, I was scared, not because I wanted to be scared, but because my mother wanted me to be independent but yet will still scare me with comments even when I was already old enough to work. She wouldn't want me talking to strangers, or even making male friends, because that meant I will lose respect. That made me feel very antisocial, and left out. 

This automatically made me feel alone and powerless. I felt like I even forgot how to make new friends and socialize. Every time anyone intended to be my friend or talk to me felt weird and wrong and I even got nervous. I was left with my middle school friends, no new friends at work. This situation made me leave a lot of jobs because I wouldn't see that I was the problem, I felt like every one else were the problem and made me feel uncomfortable, when in reality I was the problem. I felt powerless and underestimated to make friends have conversations, I even thought that people at my jobs would make fun of me because of my Spanish accent. All that environment made me very afraid and powerless. It was the worse feeling in the world. I have always been afraid of people disappointing me or hurting me. Because I have not had very good luck with men, or females friends, so at that moment I felt alone and vulnerable.

My older sister has always been a lot more friendlier, social, and very outgoing. Every place she worked or stepped foot on, she made long term friendships, every where she went people knew her and loved her. I asked her why I wasn't like that, and she responded that our mother raised her that way also, but that she didn't want to give my mother the power of her not learning through her own experiences and not knowing about other people and cultures. My sister told me, is okay to get hurt, be betrayed. That will make you stronger, meet people have friends, give people the chance of knowing what great person and cool personality you have. Don't give people the power of you staying by yourself. Just because you talk, and socialize, it doesn't mean they now have the power over you to hurt. You only have the power, you either continue to be friends with them, or walk away. Till this day, I still have the fear, and feel powerless when it comes to making new friends at work or in the street, but I'm a lot more social. It's not up to me nor I don't have the power of preventing people of hurting me, but I can say that I'm pretty strong now in the aspect of allowing people to stay in my life once they've hurt me or betrayed me, I always remind my self that life is all about learning, experiences, and and pain. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

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Taking your power back

Being intimidated is the worse 

powerless

Sometimes you feel like your'e less.

I was always afraid.

Never wanted to talk 

because I was always scared.

How do you think you can come out of this phase?

By getting some sense in your head. 

Not everything in earth is hurt and pain.

Even when I was a little girl, I did't get enough 

love.