Inner Power

My Power, My strength

In my household's tradition, power is mainly gifted and owned by men only. In every aspect men have the power. I was raise by a mother that is very dependent on my father. I've always said that the day my dad leaves her or this earth, she wouldn't know how to over come that separation. My parents met very young, and my dad never allowed my mother to work because he considered that only men should work, my mother doesn't even know how to drive. But it's weird, because both, mom and dad raised my sister and I to be independent, and we both drive, have jobs, and are even in school. Growing up in this type of environment gives you either the strength of be independent, or gives you the choice of becoming pregnant, not working and leave all kinds of power and authority to your male spouse. I decided to overcome that cycle though. When I first  found a job, I was scared, not because I wanted to be scared, but because my mother wanted me to be independent but yet will still scare me with comments even when I was already old enough to work. She wouldn't want me talking to strangers, or even making male friends, because that meant I will lose respect. That made me feel very antisocial, and left out. 

This automatically made me feel alone and powerless. I felt like I even forgot how to make new friends and socialize. Every time anyone intended to be my friend or talk to me felt weird and wrong and I even got nervous. I was left with my middle school friends, no new friends at work. This situation made me leave a lot of jobs because I wouldn't see that I was the problem, I felt like every one else were the problem and made me feel uncomfortable, when in reality I was the problem. I felt powerless and underestimated to make friends have conversations, I even thought that people at my jobs would make fun of me because of my Spanish accent. All that environment made me very afraid and powerless. It was the worse feeling in the world. I have always been afraid of people disappointing me or hurting me. Because I have not had very good luck with men, or females friends, so at that moment I felt alone and vulnerable.

My older sister has always been a lot more friendlier, social, and very outgoing. Every place she worked or stepped foot on, she made long term friendships, every where she went people knew her and loved her. I asked her why I wasn't like that, and she responded that our mother raised her that way also, but that she didn't want to give my mother the power of her not learning through her own experiences and not knowing about other people and cultures. My sister told me, is okay to get hurt, be betrayed. That will make you stronger, meet people have friends, give people the chance of knowing what great person and cool personality you have. Don't give people the power of you staying by yourself. Just because you talk, and socialize, it doesn't mean they now have the power over you to hurt. You only have the power, you either continue to be friends with them, or walk away. Till this day, I still have the fear, and feel powerless when it comes to making new friends at work or in the street, but I'm a lot more social. It's not up to me nor I don't have the power of preventing people of hurting me, but I can say that I'm pretty strong now in the aspect of allowing people to stay in my life once they've hurt me or betrayed me, I always remind my self that life is all about learning, experiences, and and pain. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

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Taking your power back

Being intimidated is the worse 

powerless

Sometimes you feel like your'e less.

I was always afraid.

Never wanted to talk 

because I was always scared.

How do you think you can come out of this phase?

By getting some sense in your head. 

Not everything in earth is hurt and pain.

Even when I was a little girl, I did't get enough 

love.

Letter To My Mentor

(This letter is for my big sister who has been like a mother figure/best friend to me.)

Dear Kika,

The reason why I am typing this letter is to let you know how thankful and blessed I am to have a sister like you in my life. You have no idea how much I look up to you. Sometimes I may not be (lovie dobie and kissy dobie) showing emotions, but everything I know, I must say that I do thanks to you. We both know that a lot of young people look up to you and sees you as the mother or mentor they've never had. I know that sometimes the thought of you not having children on your own may kill you and your hopes, but only God knows what he's preparing you for. When the time comes, it'll come and it'll be great.

The reason why you're so special to me and I look up to you is because of the value you have put in my life, the advises, the smiles, the time and effort you have always given me are priceless. I know that I can be a pain the behind sometimes. Just know that as I was growing up I always wanted to be just like you. You're a friendly, kind heart individual. You don't care if you have to stop your life to give time to others, you don't care if you have to stay without eating to feed others, and these are the things that even if they are hard for me to do, I'm catching from you. 

By you being there for me, I can really say that as a young woman I've became more responsible, and selfless. I don't only think of my self anymore. Now I stop and think of others feelings and needs. Before I had a super ego, but I can say that I don't anymore. I am learning and working on being a better listener, and talking more calm. Before I didn't like listening and forgiving, but you have taught me that it is not worth it to hold grudges because at the end I will be hurting only my self. And yeah you was right. Thank you for always being there when I didn't have my mothers figure and for having my back without ever judging me and for holding my bad moods at times. I love you sooooo much! I may not be perfect, but I will continue to work on me. 

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Dedication

This one will go to the one

who has always had my back,

no matter of the circumstances has always 

stayed by my side. 

I am grateful to you because 

of the huge

heart you have,

I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have

your advice.

I may not always seem to 

appreciate your kind words,

but you are my world. 

Thank you for loving me, 

accepting me, 

respecting me,

and staying right next me. 

Words will never explain

how important and special you are. 

About me

My name is Kiara Matos. I am 23 years old. I was born in Puerto Rico, and lived there till the age of 8. I have two older brothers and an older sister. My parents, and my older sister came to the USA initially to live in the Bronx New York. We got kicked out of my aunts house, where we were staying and ended up in Boston MA. I suffered a lot with the transition of coming from Puerto Rico to then going to Connecticut, yes Connecticut was our second home after New York, As a little girl I wasn't very comfortable to change of schools and get used to 3 different environment in less than a year. Now as a grown woman, I know that destiny wanted us in Boston, and I'm glad that we ended up living here. I love New York and all, but I enjoy it better as long weekend visits, instead of living over there.  Yes I am a Yankees fan, well everyone in my home love the Yankees, I am the only one of my siblings that was born in Puerto Rico. My brothers and sister were born in New York, so I guess that makes me the only and pure Boricua.

I love to go to church, I was born and race in a very religious and strict house hold. But I enjoy my Sunday services. I like to go to the movies with loved ones. I love to travel, the main reason why I want to be successful is to one day travel the world. I enjoy having family get together. I enjoy working, currently I have 2 jobs, which drove me to take online courses, both jobs are full-times, plus a full-time student. 

I've had the same best friend since middle school. Our friendship goes for more than a decade. Her name is Marlin and she is from Dominican Republic. Many times she has told me that she didn't like me much when she first saw me, till she met me. I was kind of a bully/spoiled brat as a little girl. I understand why wouldn't she like me. Too honest, said things brutally the way they came out. Now as a grown woman she said that I have matured and say only what's asked. According to her and other friends, I am a good listener, give good advice, and I love to help others, I respect everyone's ways of being or thinking, as long as they are not affecting me or others. I guess that those are some of the good and bad qualities that I have heard if my self, and hey, I can't be that bad if she's still in my life after so many years. 

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Affirmation 

Being confident

about my self 

takes a lot more

than just a 

pretty face and 

nice body.

Sometimes, 

being smart is all.

Having light on my own 

and being original with 

a good heart

was what made me feel 

better. 

I have let people 

say hurtful things,

and mean actions

that will forever stay in my mind,

But as long 

as no one takes away my confidence

and shine

I guess I'll be alright.